Keeping up with this is hard for me. I have issues with doing things in a timely manner sometimes... at least when it's up to me. I have no problem staying on task for things that aren't for me or up to me.
Anyway, not a whole lot has really been news-worthy. I have been busy with Landmark stuff. I started a new assisting agreement surrounding the Causing the Miraculous seminar that started a week and a half ago and so far so good. There was a little glitch in the whole thing in regards with who was the Production Supervisor. Thought that was all handled and cleaned up after we left the first night and turned out it wasn't, at least for her. Came back this last Monday to find out she had quit. Totally surprised me, but part of me was not surprised because I know that the work that we do in Landmark is not how people usually handle their everyday lives. So when people are confronted with "being cause" in the matter of their lives, they associate that with taking the blame or being at fault. I'm struggling with wanting to blame myself for why she didn't come back. I said what I needed to say, took complete responsibility and she accepted, but the last thing I ever want is for anyone around me to feel disempowered in their lives for any reason, big or small.
So, yeah.
I've been volunteering a lot with Love Hope Strength, it seems. We were at the A Perfect Circle show at Red Rocks last night. Signed up 52 people to be on the list and made over $300 in merch sales to benefit our bone marrow drives. I love this organization and I can't wait to see how big we can all help grow it!
Found out they're actually opening up an office and they're trying to get HGTV to come in and remodel the old dispensary they took over. I'm doing what I can to help spread the word and maybe we can get the HGTV experience to come to Denver once again.
Anywho, that's about all that's going on... so far.
Besos!
Aimee
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
This is new...
I find myself completely drawn into all things makeup and beauty. I've been addicted to the stuff for a very long time, I've just been really lazy to actually put it on my face on a daily basis. I spend hours upon hours of looking at makeup tutorials and huals and whatever on YouTube so I decided it's time I figure out a way to make a living by it... and to share what I know.
I created a channel (I have yet to upload anything) and it'll feature whatever I feel like sharing. We'll see what I make of it.
Besos!
Aimee
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Now that that's over...
So, as Myles said it, now that I've properly vented, no more talking about it again.
Just to update, Brent is not going to be here this week. Accidental cancelled reservations have foiled the plan so we are going to start talks on when it's going to actually happen. Now that I've cried it all out and gotten into communication with my community, it's time to move on and be excited for tonight.
Tonight is the evening session of this weekend's Landmark Forum and I couldn't be happier! I was looking forward to Brent being here to be a part of it but I'm not letting that take away from the incredible-ness of this weekend and how powerful it was for me. There are things still needed to be done, like get to work on my project and meet and talk to people about how to create a non-profit. It may not be in time for the completion of my Self-Expression and Leadership Program, but I'm so committed to making a difference in my brother's life and the lives of those that are living with Autism that it's time I make that difference a reality.
I've messaged a woman from my church to see if we can get together. Every time I think of putting together a project or event surround this non-profit, she always comes up for me. It's time we talk.
There are a few other women I want to talk to and see what they have to offer... insights, suggestions, knowledge, interest, whatever! My life is about making a difference and I can't little bumps in the road get in my way. It's a dishonor and a disservice to myself and the world. I am so very clear about that.
Infinite love,
Aimee
Just to update, Brent is not going to be here this week. Accidental cancelled reservations have foiled the plan so we are going to start talks on when it's going to actually happen. Now that I've cried it all out and gotten into communication with my community, it's time to move on and be excited for tonight.
Tonight is the evening session of this weekend's Landmark Forum and I couldn't be happier! I was looking forward to Brent being here to be a part of it but I'm not letting that take away from the incredible-ness of this weekend and how powerful it was for me. There are things still needed to be done, like get to work on my project and meet and talk to people about how to create a non-profit. It may not be in time for the completion of my Self-Expression and Leadership Program, but I'm so committed to making a difference in my brother's life and the lives of those that are living with Autism that it's time I make that difference a reality.
I've messaged a woman from my church to see if we can get together. Every time I think of putting together a project or event surround this non-profit, she always comes up for me. It's time we talk.
There are a few other women I want to talk to and see what they have to offer... insights, suggestions, knowledge, interest, whatever! My life is about making a difference and I can't little bumps in the road get in my way. It's a dishonor and a disservice to myself and the world. I am so very clear about that.
Infinite love,
Aimee
Alone with the "Idiot"
You know that voice in the back of your head? Mine is running wild.
So, there are issues with the original plans made for tomorrow and the rest of the week. I know it wasn't on purpose but his reservation was cancelled somehow and he's going to work on getting it back and the "idiot" (aka the voice in the back of my head) is telling me, "See! This is exactly why you should never plan things. Why you shouldn't announce things. Why you shouldn't get excited for anything because there's no point. You're not worth it. You never get what you want."
I am clear that this voice isn't really ME but fuck, when I'm alone, I have no reinforcements to help me combat this thing and help me see reason.
I had the most amazing and powerful weekend and I'm having issues with this stupid "idiot." I know it's never going to go away. I'm doing my best to tell it, "thank you for sharing but I have more important things to do."
I cried it out on the phone with him, then let him go because I was really close to blaming him. And I sort of did, and that's something I have to clean up because it's not his fault that these thoughts take over. And I so wanted to blame him and tell him there's no point in talking anymore because this is always going to happen but my commitment to him is much more powerful than that because I said so.
So, I had to get up and blog because I'll be damned if I'm going to let this stupid, fucking "idiot" take over. I'm more powerful than it, damnit.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Besos!
Aimee
Monday, July 11, 2011
Is this what they call enlightenment?
So, I spent my weekend being of service to others and providing and generating a space for transformation to happen.
Have you ever heard of the Landmark Forum? Maybe that's a good place to start. If not, just know that it is an incredibly powerful tool that is used to help people create lives they want and help them fulfill on what matters and is of importance to them. It is intense, but the reward is beyond words.
What I got for myself this weekend, while being on sound and partnering with the Landmark Forum leaders by providing their voice for the Landmark Forum to happen, was that my whole heart is the world and the people in it. Who I am is absolutely everything. It may sound kind of hokey but I really got that I am nothing without this world I live in and the people in it... every single one of them. If you are reading this, this means you too. I want you to know that I love you from everything in my being. Everything I am and everything I say I am, and I promise to honor you by honoring myself.
Anyway, I just had to say that. I don't want to ever lose it. And, from here on out, I am using my blog to get what I need out of my head so I can have the space to continually create my life for what's next and what's possible.
I now get why The Panic Room says at the end of every entry, "All the love in the universe," because that's so right there for me. And I so get it for myself. So, to borrow from him...
With all the love of the universe,
Aimee
Have you ever heard of the Landmark Forum? Maybe that's a good place to start. If not, just know that it is an incredibly powerful tool that is used to help people create lives they want and help them fulfill on what matters and is of importance to them. It is intense, but the reward is beyond words.
What I got for myself this weekend, while being on sound and partnering with the Landmark Forum leaders by providing their voice for the Landmark Forum to happen, was that my whole heart is the world and the people in it. Who I am is absolutely everything. It may sound kind of hokey but I really got that I am nothing without this world I live in and the people in it... every single one of them. If you are reading this, this means you too. I want you to know that I love you from everything in my being. Everything I am and everything I say I am, and I promise to honor you by honoring myself.
Anyway, I just had to say that. I don't want to ever lose it. And, from here on out, I am using my blog to get what I need out of my head so I can have the space to continually create my life for what's next and what's possible.
I now get why The Panic Room says at the end of every entry, "All the love in the universe," because that's so right there for me. And I so get it for myself. So, to borrow from him...
With all the love of the universe,
Aimee
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Letter to my Women's Ministry
Hello ladies.
I want to apologize for not posting this sooner to those that might be interested. I've been worried about how to approach it because I'm really passionate about my project and I've been worried about sounding like an idiot. I've been worried that no one would want to help me and through small conversations with a few women at Pathways and in my other communities, I'm realizing how wrong I really am.
Anyway, I'm currently in the Self Expression and Leadership Program at Landmark Education and what we're up to is transforming ourselves inside our communities so that we're related to as bigger than our circumstances. How we do that is through community projects that we create and using one of the communities that we're personally involved in. I chose the Women's Ministry at Pathways because of how much the church means to me. I've been a part of Pathways for 3 years now and I barely know anyone. I talk about how much Pathways means to myself and my life but I haven't involved myself and I'm looking to transform my participation in all areas of my life.
My whole life, I've felt like an outsider looking in and not like because it's hard but because I've always felt like I wasn't worth it... a decision I made about myself when I was 3. Through Landmark, I know myself to be far beyond my circumstances and decisions I make about myself and others. Pathways has worked perfectly into this. Landmark brought me to God, and Pathways sustains and grows my relationship with Him and with the people around me. I do want to thank each and every one of you for providing a space that women (and people in general) can be themselves, deal with whatever they need to deal with and be accepted as part of our larger family with God.
So, about my project...
Background: I have a severely austisic brother. As a family, we don't have a lot of support as far as other families go. The people that are involved in my brother's care (doctors, teachers, therapists, psychiatrists, etc) don't communicate with each other. Everyone has a professional opinion and advice but no one is communicating with each other.
For example, I'm heavily involved in my brother's care. I took him to a doctor's appointment when my mom couldn't (she was sick) and the doctor was surprised that my brother was off the two new drugs she had prescribed him. (Within hours of him taking them in conjunction with his current and on-going meds, his aggression and agitation skyrocketed resulting in him hitting classmates and teachers and getting suspended from school. My mom and school decided it was best to take him off both.) She told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that she had conversations with my mom AND school and they told her that the drugs were working.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, my mom was able to get my brother in to see a child psychiatrist at Children's Hospital. (We're trying to get him into this intensive day program to help with his autism and behavioral issues.) The psychiatrist told my mom that we need to stop medicating him because of his behavior. It's not going to solve the problem (everything I've been saying all along).
This is what's so frustrating. My brother is 13. For 13 years of his life, we've been trying to figure out what's best for him. How to get him the best care. If it wasn't for my mom finally getting the guts to get up and do something, finding the experts and going to the Department of Education because of the lack of help my mom's getting from the schools my brother has been in, my brother wouldn't be on the path to finally getting where he needs to be.
This is where my project comes in...
I want to create a network or some sort of non-profit, something where there is a place that families can go to (either physical or online) when they don't know where else to go. Maybe a liaison of some sort to make sure that all parties are communicating and are coordinated together to ensure the proper care of the child. I don't want to just narrow it down to children with autism. I want to bring it back to a time when your family doctor was involved with the lives of their patients. Growing up, my pediatrician was a family friend. He always made sure he knew what we were up to and that things outside of our healthcare were going well. To this day, he remembers me and my sister.
I want to bring it back to "it takes a village to raise a child."
As a kick off event, or even just an event to bring professionals and families together to mingle and get to know each other, I want to create a luncheon. Either formal or informal, where families are able to get to know professionals and ask questions and professionals are able to get to know the communities and families that they care for.
I know this is long, but this was the best way I could think about getting this out there. I appreciate you reading this if you've made it this far. If you have any questions or want to get involved, please let me know. I would LOVE your help in getting this thing together because I don't know how I'll be able to do this one my own.
Love,
Aimee Whitehead
Who I am is the possibility of love, communication, acceptance and empowerment.
Monday, May 2, 2011
You know...
I'd be better at this blogging thing if blogging were more like social networking, because, holy crap, am I addicted! Twitter and Facebook get all my attention, really. Those and SG.
Anyway, not a whole lot is really new. I was talking to an ex for a little bit. We're still friends but his girlfriend broke up with him and left him and I allowed that to get my hopes up.
It's funny and a little sad how much I'll allow my hopes to get up just because a small opportunity seems to arise and how much I really am looking forward to not being single anymore. I'm secure in who I am and I am constantly getting to know myself better every day but I definitely look forward to the day when I partner up with someone and do life together in a committed and loving relationship.
So, I haven't talked to him for about a week now and I think it's for the best. He needs to know what it's like to be by himself and to be single. He needs to get in touch with who he is and be comfortable until he jumps into another relationship and, unfortunately, if I were around him too much, I would want to give him comfort and give in if he showed wanting to get back together. The spark and attraction is still there but I need to stand my ground and continue to stand for what I want in life and he needs to get himself into a healthy place before he goes jumping into another relationship. I'm a firm believer in getting to know oneself and being comfortable with oneself before jumping into a relationship. Being single and being comfortable with being single is a HUGE requirement (at least for me) before committing to spend your life with someone... or even casually dating... because if you don't like yourself, how can you possible inflict yourself upon others. (I read that on Twitter a long time ago and it really resonated with me.)
OK, I've said my piece.
Time to get ready and make some possibilities happen!
Besos!
Aimee
Anyway, not a whole lot is really new. I was talking to an ex for a little bit. We're still friends but his girlfriend broke up with him and left him and I allowed that to get my hopes up.
It's funny and a little sad how much I'll allow my hopes to get up just because a small opportunity seems to arise and how much I really am looking forward to not being single anymore. I'm secure in who I am and I am constantly getting to know myself better every day but I definitely look forward to the day when I partner up with someone and do life together in a committed and loving relationship.
So, I haven't talked to him for about a week now and I think it's for the best. He needs to know what it's like to be by himself and to be single. He needs to get in touch with who he is and be comfortable until he jumps into another relationship and, unfortunately, if I were around him too much, I would want to give him comfort and give in if he showed wanting to get back together. The spark and attraction is still there but I need to stand my ground and continue to stand for what I want in life and he needs to get himself into a healthy place before he goes jumping into another relationship. I'm a firm believer in getting to know oneself and being comfortable with oneself before jumping into a relationship. Being single and being comfortable with being single is a HUGE requirement (at least for me) before committing to spend your life with someone... or even casually dating... because if you don't like yourself, how can you possible inflict yourself upon others. (I read that on Twitter a long time ago and it really resonated with me.)
OK, I've said my piece.
Time to get ready and make some possibilities happen!
Besos!
Aimee
Friday, April 15, 2011
Day 2
Me and my dad, June 2007. The only one I have of him and I when I'm an adult. I have always been a daddy's girl. His opinion matters the most to me. When something good happens, when I need some support and a someone to help me get my head on straight, I call him.
He is the greatest man I have ever known.
YES!
So, tomorrow, I'm all set! Starting the Self-Expression and Leadership Program bright and early!
I'm working today from 2 to 10 so a full day at work, which always goes well and faster than I would think, most of the time. Hope today is no exception.
Not doing the greatest with my diet but I have successfully avoided buying fast-food, so that's a plus. It's about time I start avoiding it all together and I'll start today by taking my lunch to work with me.
Next on the agenda will be to start working out again and buying a bathroom scale so I can keep track of my weight. I checked my checking account balance to find a charge that looked really familiar. Turns out I do still have a gym membership and it's about time I start using it again. I don't have time today, but my goal will be to get up early tomorrow before the first SELP classroom and workout. I miss the feeling of going to the gym regularly, the habit of it. Most importantly, I miss the days when, if I wasn't able to make it to the gym, my day was off. Time to make it routine again.
Anywho, that's about all that's going on with me. I think I'll start posting my 30 Day Picture Challenge that I started on FB here...
Here's the challenge...
I'm working today from 2 to 10 so a full day at work, which always goes well and faster than I would think, most of the time. Hope today is no exception.
Not doing the greatest with my diet but I have successfully avoided buying fast-food, so that's a plus. It's about time I start avoiding it all together and I'll start today by taking my lunch to work with me.
Next on the agenda will be to start working out again and buying a bathroom scale so I can keep track of my weight. I checked my checking account balance to find a charge that looked really familiar. Turns out I do still have a gym membership and it's about time I start using it again. I don't have time today, but my goal will be to get up early tomorrow before the first SELP classroom and workout. I miss the feeling of going to the gym regularly, the habit of it. Most importantly, I miss the days when, if I wasn't able to make it to the gym, my day was off. Time to make it routine again.
Anywho, that's about all that's going on with me. I think I'll start posting my 30 Day Picture Challenge that I started on FB here...
Here's the challenge...
Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of ......your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.
Day 19 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture that confuses you.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you crave a lot.
Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of ......your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.
Day 19 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture that confuses you.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you crave a lot.
Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
So, Day 1 - Post a picture of yourself with fifteen facts
1. I'm a HUGE Gator Fan. I bleed Orange and Blue. And because Tim Tebow is a Bronco QB, I'm a Broncos fan too. The day he leaves the team is the day I stop being a Bronco fan (most likely).
2. I have two dogs (kind of) and two cats.
3. I am eternally grateful and constantly inspired by my participation and assisting around various Landmark Education courses and the people I meet all the time.
4. I have THE hardest time doing homework, or anything that I HAVE to do, like laundry or cleaning.
5. I want to ride horses on a regular basis.
6. I'm obsessed (slightly exaggerated term) with photography and cameras. Capturing moments in time and how things naturally occur inspire me.
7. I am happily single and getting to know something about myself every day. I'm stronger than I realize and I don't give myself the credit very often.
8. Taking compliments and appreciation from other people is very hard for me to be with, but I'm learning.
9. I am totally lit up by providing something of benefit to other people.
10. I think I'm slightly compulsive when it comes to spending money, but I'm learning to control my money and not letting my money control me. (Dave Ramsey FTW!)
11. My dad is the greatest man I have ever known and I love him with all my heart and soul.
12. I'm learning that I do deserve good things in life. That's going to be an every day process.
13. I have a blog that I hardly ever use but I'm mustering the courage to actually use it for this great idea I have about transforming my body and exploring what it's like to go after my passions instead of letting fear stop me.
14. I prefer life sober, but I like drinking every now and then. I enjoy the flavor of vodka tonics and Irish Carbombs.
15. I LOVE BEARDS! And I would honestly rather marry a man that has at least the capability of growing a full-on beard.
2. I have two dogs (kind of) and two cats.
3. I am eternally grateful and constantly inspired by my participation and assisting around various Landmark Education courses and the people I meet all the time.
4. I have THE hardest time doing homework, or anything that I HAVE to do, like laundry or cleaning.
5. I want to ride horses on a regular basis.
6. I'm obsessed (slightly exaggerated term) with photography and cameras. Capturing moments in time and how things naturally occur inspire me.
7. I am happily single and getting to know something about myself every day. I'm stronger than I realize and I don't give myself the credit very often.
8. Taking compliments and appreciation from other people is very hard for me to be with, but I'm learning.
9. I am totally lit up by providing something of benefit to other people.
10. I think I'm slightly compulsive when it comes to spending money, but I'm learning to control my money and not letting my money control me. (Dave Ramsey FTW!)
11. My dad is the greatest man I have ever known and I love him with all my heart and soul.
12. I'm learning that I do deserve good things in life. That's going to be an every day process.
13. I have a blog that I hardly ever use but I'm mustering the courage to actually use it for this great idea I have about transforming my body and exploring what it's like to go after my passions instead of letting fear stop me.
14. I prefer life sober, but I like drinking every now and then. I enjoy the flavor of vodka tonics and Irish Carbombs.
15. I LOVE BEARDS! And I would honestly rather marry a man that has at least the capability of growing a full-on beard.
Today is day 2 but I'll have to find the picture later when I get off of work.
Besos!
Aimee
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Terrible!
I'm awful at keeping up to date with this. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Blogger is not very interactive, like Twitter, FB and SG.
So, just a little update from November... I am no longer apprenticing at Dark Millennia Tattoo. I left that place right before New Year's because it didn't matter that I was there and the guy that was teaching me was gone two weeks out of every month and I want someone that can actually teach me everything there is to know about piercing rather than trying to learn most of what I want to know on my own. I am very much someone that needs to feel like it's a partnership.
So, I've been looking for a new apprenticeship half-assed but may pick that back up again more full-forced now that the semester is almost over.
I am having huge issues with studying and doing homework. I've had this problem since the beginning of my school career (kindergarten) and I'm starting to think it has to be more than poor study habits. I've been doing a lot of thinking about that and if I have to resort to medication, I might do it because there are too many things I want to accomplish to allow myself to get in my own way. Maybe actually being inspired to do this blog regularly will be the kick in the ass I need to actually do it. I'm doing well in one of my classes but not very well in the other and will drop here before it's too late.
You would thinking that paying-out-of-pocket would be enough motivation to do well, but it's not and I have to figure out why. I know it's all in my head but it's the most frustrating thing, to know how easy it actually is and that I just can't seem to fucking do it.
The same goes with losing weight. I don't know how much I weigh right now but I know I'm at my heaviest. If I'm not, that would be a damn shock.
Although... going a little off topic, I think I might have an insight as to why things seem to be hard for me to do...
After last night at the completion of the Landmark Forum here in Denver this past weekend, I was talking to a guy I was assisting with around Advanced Course Registration about things that are important to me and things I want to create and generate around my finances and what I really want out of life (always the best conversations even if they're sometimes hard to handle at the time). At the end of the night when we had already completed and everyone was getting ready to head out, he came up to me to accknowledge me for how I am with people. It was hard to sit with because that's how it always has been for me when it comes to compliments and acknowledgement, but he had said something in particular to me that struck a chord... he said that I am considerate but I'm not very considerate to myself.
So so very true. And more tears came with that realization that I'm not.
And on the way home, I realized that I've never thought that I deserved things... good things. I brush of praise because I was "just doing my job" or "it was nothing." People compliment me for the way I look, the way I've dressed, or the things I contribute, and I have to change the subject quickly. I need help, emotionally, physically or financially, and I don't think it's important enough to trouble people for my petty concerns. I have to do things on my own because I don't want to have to be disappointed if someone else doesn't follow through or I fail and I let someone else down. Group projects are a nightmare for me because other people's grades are depending on me when I already know I have the hardest time doing school work outside of school. I don't deserve it and I have felt like I never have and never will.
I remember the exact day I made that decision. My dad was leaving for Saudi Arabia. I was about 3, maybe. I was sitting behind the recliner in our living room (right upstairs) with my knees curled up to my face, sobbing because my dad was leaving (or already left, I can't remember) and no amount of begging or crying would get him to stay. I wasn't worth staying for.
Fast forward to kindergarten. I was 5. My dad was home for good from Saudi Arabia but my parents were getting a divorce and my dad was moving out. I was begging and pleading for him to stay. I didn't want him to go anywhere, but he was leaving anyway. I wasn't worth staying for. I didn't deserve to have my dad around. The first "abandonment," I made the decision. The second was a confirmation. At 5 years old, I decided for the rest of my life that I didn't deserve to have the things I wanted.
But I'm letting that go. I DO deserve to have the things I want. I deserve to succeed. I deserve to be smart. I deserve to be pretty. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have the job I want. I deserve to be remembered. I deserve attention.
This is going to be an on-going process. I've had 22 years of practicing why I don't deserve things, so this I'm going to have to take one day at a time, but I'm worth it.
So, with that being said, I am taking back my life and my future and boldly going where I never thought I could have gone before.
Besos!
Aimee
So, just a little update from November... I am no longer apprenticing at Dark Millennia Tattoo. I left that place right before New Year's because it didn't matter that I was there and the guy that was teaching me was gone two weeks out of every month and I want someone that can actually teach me everything there is to know about piercing rather than trying to learn most of what I want to know on my own. I am very much someone that needs to feel like it's a partnership.
So, I've been looking for a new apprenticeship half-assed but may pick that back up again more full-forced now that the semester is almost over.
I am having huge issues with studying and doing homework. I've had this problem since the beginning of my school career (kindergarten) and I'm starting to think it has to be more than poor study habits. I've been doing a lot of thinking about that and if I have to resort to medication, I might do it because there are too many things I want to accomplish to allow myself to get in my own way. Maybe actually being inspired to do this blog regularly will be the kick in the ass I need to actually do it. I'm doing well in one of my classes but not very well in the other and will drop here before it's too late.
You would thinking that paying-out-of-pocket would be enough motivation to do well, but it's not and I have to figure out why. I know it's all in my head but it's the most frustrating thing, to know how easy it actually is and that I just can't seem to fucking do it.
The same goes with losing weight. I don't know how much I weigh right now but I know I'm at my heaviest. If I'm not, that would be a damn shock.
Although... going a little off topic, I think I might have an insight as to why things seem to be hard for me to do...
After last night at the completion of the Landmark Forum here in Denver this past weekend, I was talking to a guy I was assisting with around Advanced Course Registration about things that are important to me and things I want to create and generate around my finances and what I really want out of life (always the best conversations even if they're sometimes hard to handle at the time). At the end of the night when we had already completed and everyone was getting ready to head out, he came up to me to accknowledge me for how I am with people. It was hard to sit with because that's how it always has been for me when it comes to compliments and acknowledgement, but he had said something in particular to me that struck a chord... he said that I am considerate but I'm not very considerate to myself.
So so very true. And more tears came with that realization that I'm not.
And on the way home, I realized that I've never thought that I deserved things... good things. I brush of praise because I was "just doing my job" or "it was nothing." People compliment me for the way I look, the way I've dressed, or the things I contribute, and I have to change the subject quickly. I need help, emotionally, physically or financially, and I don't think it's important enough to trouble people for my petty concerns. I have to do things on my own because I don't want to have to be disappointed if someone else doesn't follow through or I fail and I let someone else down. Group projects are a nightmare for me because other people's grades are depending on me when I already know I have the hardest time doing school work outside of school. I don't deserve it and I have felt like I never have and never will.
I remember the exact day I made that decision. My dad was leaving for Saudi Arabia. I was about 3, maybe. I was sitting behind the recliner in our living room (right upstairs) with my knees curled up to my face, sobbing because my dad was leaving (or already left, I can't remember) and no amount of begging or crying would get him to stay. I wasn't worth staying for.
Fast forward to kindergarten. I was 5. My dad was home for good from Saudi Arabia but my parents were getting a divorce and my dad was moving out. I was begging and pleading for him to stay. I didn't want him to go anywhere, but he was leaving anyway. I wasn't worth staying for. I didn't deserve to have my dad around. The first "abandonment," I made the decision. The second was a confirmation. At 5 years old, I decided for the rest of my life that I didn't deserve to have the things I wanted.
But I'm letting that go. I DO deserve to have the things I want. I deserve to succeed. I deserve to be smart. I deserve to be pretty. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have the job I want. I deserve to be remembered. I deserve attention.
This is going to be an on-going process. I've had 22 years of practicing why I don't deserve things, so this I'm going to have to take one day at a time, but I'm worth it.
So, with that being said, I am taking back my life and my future and boldly going where I never thought I could have gone before.
Besos!
Aimee
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