Thursday, April 14, 2011


I'm awful at keeping up to date with this.  I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Blogger is not very interactive, like Twitter, FB and SG.

So, just a little update from November... I am no longer apprenticing at Dark Millennia Tattoo.  I left that place right before New Year's because it didn't matter that I was there and the guy that was teaching me was gone two weeks out of every month and I want someone that can actually teach me everything there is to know about piercing rather than trying to learn most of what I want to know on my own.  I am very much someone that needs to feel like it's a partnership.

So, I've been looking for a new apprenticeship half-assed but may pick that back up again more full-forced now that the semester is almost over.

I am having huge issues with studying and doing homework.  I've had this problem since the beginning of my school career (kindergarten) and I'm starting to think it has to be more than poor study habits.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about that and if I have to resort to medication, I might do it because there are too many things I want to accomplish to allow myself to get in my own way.  Maybe actually being inspired to do this blog regularly will be the kick in the ass I need to actually do it.  I'm doing well in one of my classes but not very well in the other and will drop here before it's too late.

You would thinking that paying-out-of-pocket would be enough motivation to do well, but it's not and I have to figure out why.  I know it's all in my head but it's the most frustrating thing, to know how easy it actually is and that I just can't seem to fucking do it.

The same goes with losing weight.  I don't know how much I weigh right now but I know I'm at my heaviest.  If I'm not, that would be a damn shock.

Although... going a little off topic, I think I might have an insight as to why things seem to be hard for me to do...

After last night at the completion of the Landmark Forum here in Denver this past weekend, I was talking to a guy I was assisting with around Advanced Course Registration about things that are important to me and things I want to create and generate around my finances and what I really want out of life (always the best conversations even if they're sometimes hard to handle at the time).  At the end of the night when we had already completed and everyone was getting ready to head out, he came up to me to accknowledge me for how I am with people.  It was hard to sit with because that's how it always has been for me when it comes to compliments and acknowledgement, but he had said something in particular to me that struck a chord... he said that I am considerate but I'm not very considerate to myself.

So so very true.  And more tears came with that realization that I'm not.

And on the way home, I realized that I've never thought that I deserved things... good things.  I brush of praise because I was "just doing my job" or "it was nothing." People compliment me for the way I look, the way I've dressed, or the things I contribute, and I have to change the subject quickly.  I need help, emotionally, physically or financially, and I don't think it's important enough to trouble people for my petty concerns.  I have to do things on my own because I don't want to have to be disappointed if someone else doesn't follow through or I fail and I let someone else down.  Group projects are a nightmare for me because other people's grades are depending on me when I already know I have the hardest time doing school work outside of school.  I don't deserve it and I have felt like I never have and never will.

I remember the exact day I made that decision.  My dad was leaving for Saudi Arabia.  I was about 3, maybe.  I was sitting behind the recliner in our living room (right upstairs) with my knees curled up to my face, sobbing because my dad was leaving (or already left, I can't remember) and no amount of begging or crying would get him to stay.  I wasn't worth staying for.

Fast forward to kindergarten.  I was 5.  My dad was home for good from Saudi Arabia but my parents were getting a divorce and my dad was moving out.  I was begging and pleading for him to stay.  I didn't want him to go anywhere, but he was leaving anyway.  I wasn't worth staying for.  I didn't deserve to have my dad around.  The first "abandonment," I made the decision.  The second was a confirmation.  At 5 years old, I decided for the rest of my life that I didn't deserve to have the things I wanted.

But I'm letting that go.  I DO deserve to have the things I want.  I deserve to succeed.  I deserve to be smart. I deserve to be pretty.  I deserve to be loved.  I deserve to have the job I want.  I deserve to be remembered.  I deserve attention.

This is going to be an on-going process.  I've had 22 years of practicing why I don't deserve things, so this I'm going to have to take one day at a time, but I'm worth it.

So, with that being said, I am taking back my life and my future and boldly going where I never thought I could have gone before.


1 comment:

Robert T said...

I'm glad your blogging again. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel but I understand what your going through. I've struggled with a lot of the same things and continue to struggle to this day. And your right, you do deserve the things you want. Just remember your a great friend and person. There are people in your life that love you and are there for you if you need them. Keep your head up and let me know if you need anything, and I mean ANYTHING.