Sunday, July 15, 2012


My need for change and my need to move is at an all-time high.  It's not that I'm feeling the need to leave something behind.  In fact, the idea of leaving Colorado scares and saddens me but I feel like my time here is over.  I feel like I've fulfilled my purpose and it's time to move on.

Last night, I hung out with Mario (my ex from 7 years ago and my first true love).  It was really good to see him but sitting in his presence, I could see what my life could (or would) look like if I were to give in to my desire to be with him.  It's not bad.  In fact, it was rather beautiful in a simplistic way and it makes me so sad that I don't want that... and I could so easily just let go and be with him.  It was hard to stay strong and walk away, but I did.

It wouldn't have been a bad life, it just wouldn't have been extraordinary.  It would have been limited.  I wouldn't be my complete and whole self.  I would have to suppress certain things about myself in order for that relationship to work to its fullest potential.  Sacrifice would be necessary.  I want to be there for him and his daughter.  I want to make a difference there... but I don't see how doing all of that would benefit me.

My fullest-expressed self is clawing to get out.  Screaming and pleading for me to let go and give in to my fullest and greatest potential.  It's uncomfortable and a unsettling because I will no longer recognize myself and my life.

This crossroads that I'm at is, in one direction, very familiar.  Very safe and predictable.  Like looking at a picture or watching a movie, I can see clearly what life would look like (or even just really closely resemble) if I were to stay here.

If I go, I have absolutely no clue what myself or my life would look like.  The unknown is scary.  I've faced the unknown before and I want to get better at it.  I want to know myself as someone who faces the future head-on, never knowing what's going to happen, and, rather than having the urge to turn back and stay where I know things are good but not great, I'd rather know myself as someone who takes all of life's challenges and turns them in to opportunities to display what life can really be about... a life of adventure, thrill, exhilaration, pushing myself beyond the limits of what I thought I was capable of, and trusting God in all of it.  Always feeling grateful to be alive.

So, on-ward I move.  I prefer roads less traveled.


Thursday, July 12, 2012


I still think about moving daily.  I've pretty much settled on Seattle but a lot can change between now and then.  As suspected, I'm starting to rethink my leaving Denver.  I love Colorado and I really don't want to leave, but my need to experience something new is stronger than my need to stay.

But, I'm always leaving room for me to change my mind.

I was driving home yesterday from work, thinking about what life would be like to live in Seattle, and my heart started feeling funny.  I feel like that's a right fit, and it's weird considering I've never been there, but I have a feeling this is a right choice.

More meditating and praying about it will be needed, but I know whatever direction I end up going in, I can make it.  I will make it.

On a side note: I need to start doing more video blogs. Was watching ItsJudyTime's vlog from yesterday and it made me want to start vlogging!  I want a video recording device!  I can always start with my phone, huh?!

Vlogging will be the next step to sharing myself more.

Anyway, hope ya'll have an excellent day!

P.S. I forgot! Yesterday was week 36 braces adjustment.  I was trying to document my journey with braces but I have a tendency of forgetting (see: this blog).  I do have a shot of my teeth!  I can't believe how much my mouth has changed!

The one on the left is the day I came home with my braces on.  The two on the right are from yesterday.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Sunday Funday

My restlessness has subsided a little bit.  I'm not as anxious about "getting out of here" as I was a few days ago, but it is still there nonetheless.

I feel a little more clear headed about what direction I want to go in, and although I have a feeling I may, at the last minute, get cold feet, I feel like I need to do this.  California may not be the place tho.  My mom, earlier today, planted the seed of  "Portland" in my brain and told me to do my research.  Some of the kids I grew up with are now living in Portland (and have been for a few years now, at least) and are loving it.  I think my mom wants me to move in that direction.  I've never been there but it sounds intriguing.

I started a ChipIn for anyone that wants to help with moving costs.  In the meantime, I'm also going to start to sell off some of my own personal belongs, to lighten the load (and my life), and raise some extra funds.  If anyone is interested, I'll post a link of where the items can be found for your browsing pleasure.  I have a lot to plan for... the idea of moving excites me AND scares the crap out of me.

I went to a bonfire last night at a friend's house. 

It was originally just a party, but by the end of the night, they decided to move the firepit over to the middle of the backyard and start a fire, so we sat around, drank some beer, cracked jokes, told stories and had a fucking good time.  Those are the days I love so much and those are the times I'm going to miss.  I love my friends.  I love the people that surround me, and the idea of leaving them to go try something new makes me a little sad.  They mean so much to me, but I really do feel like I have to separate myself and almost prove to myself what I'm really made of.

I had mentioned to them that I wanted to move at the beginning of January to California, and my one friend, Bridget (who's house we were at) said that if she wasn't married with kids, she would do the same.  And that she kind of did.  At 17, she stepped out on her own and never looked back.  I never did that.  I think, psychologically, I feel like I had a long time ago, physically, I never did.  I moved out on my own a few times, but I've never completely cut the cord.  I know my parents and family is there for me no matter what, but for fucks sake!  I'm 28.  As much as I want to get married and have kids one day, I need to know I can completely, 100% take care of myself, and have the proof to show for it.  I've been too comfortable.  I need to put myself in an uncomfortable situation, to test out what I think I'm made of.

I need to explore the world around me, and while doing so, learn even more about myself.

So, on the agenda for me today?? Drink my ass some coffee, edit two photo sets, clean, and MAYBE dye my hair.  I haven't decided on that one yet.  I'm thinking about touching up my roots in the front and adding major amounts of pink (and maybe turquoise).  What are YOU doing today?


Friday, July 6, 2012


So, I'm taking steps to move.  Finished my FAFSA (which I needed to do anyway), re-admitted to El Camino College in Torrence, CA... I'm talking to my niece and looking for jobs on Craigslist.  I'm far from actually making this decision, but I feel like I'm doing something.

This whole situation I blogged about in my previous entry from earlier today is making me want to separate myself from everyone here.  It's not my drama and it's drama I really don't want any part of.  Ever.  Period.

I don't like when negative shit pollutes my space.

Life/Live Update

I need to get back into blogging again.  I used to be my release and with everything going on in my life (or rather around me), I need some sweet release!!  I'll probably start doing vlogs on Youtube too.  Something!

So, lately, there has been some drama going down in my personal life.  Luckily, it doesn't directly involve me, however, it involves my sister-from-another-mister (whom my biological sister lives with) and my biological sister's best friend, who was also living in the same house temporarily.  The reason this is my personal life is because my sister, who isn't really involved, is heavily involved... and all this drama revolves around huge amounts of shit talking, a drug-dealer boyfriend that no one really knows much about but has been in and out of said household on numerous occasions, supposedly large quantities of cash (supposedly mailed, rumored to be anywhere from $4000 to $12,000) that has gone missing... and is also speculated to not be cash, but in fact product (see drug dealer boyfriend).

What makes this even worse is that a 2 year old lives in this household.

So much sketchy shit and the more I think about it, the more uneasy I get, considering the circumstances.  No one really knows what was in this missing package.  There's a whole bunch of shit talking, cops were even involved last night.  And with this package, if this much money (and/or possible drugs) has actually gone missing, that puts the lives of the people who own this house and live there full-time (my extended family and life-long friends, not to mention my own flesh-and-blood sister) at risk.  Too much speculation and I really do hope it all gets settled.  I really am happy that I am not directly involved with this, but it still makes me want to run away from all of it all together.  Wash my hands clean.

With that being said, a move back to California has struck my brain patterns something throughout the day.  I have this huge itch to change life up.  Mostly the way it looks.  I LOVE Colorado so much.  I've toyed with the idea of moving back to Florida, but even that comes with its own set of dramas.  I just want to start fresh somewhere.  I don't know where yet.  Hell, I don't even know how considering my financial situation not being the most conducive for moving, but I crave it.

I crave change. I crave a change in scenery.  I crave surrounding myself with new people and new experiences.  I miss my family in California, and my niece tells me at any point possible, that she misses me and wants me to come back.

And even California has its own set of dramas lol  I'm willing to bet I'd be able to find a family member to live with.  I would like to reconcile with my older sister out there, but at the same time, I'm totally ok with not. (That's a whole other blog update)

Anyway, that's a pretty good start for now.  I'll be doing this more often.  I used SuicideGirls to blog about my own personal life, but that was getting to  be too much than I wanted.  With it being a pay-site and me not knowing how long I'll be able to ride the whole gifted-membership thing, my time on there is limited.  I'll probably convert my old blogs from there to here, so that I'll always have them...

hm... that's a good idea.  Archival is a good idea!

Anyway, much love!