Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Alone with the "Idiot"

You know that voice in the back of your head? Mine is running wild.

So, there are issues with the original plans made for tomorrow and the rest of the week. I know it wasn't on purpose but his reservation was cancelled somehow and he's going to work on getting it back and the "idiot" (aka the voice in the back of my head) is telling me, "See! This is exactly why you should never plan things. Why you shouldn't announce things. Why you shouldn't get excited for anything because there's no point. You're not worth it. You never get what you want."

I am clear that this voice isn't really ME but fuck, when I'm alone, I have no reinforcements to help me combat this thing and help me see reason.

I had the most amazing and powerful weekend and I'm having issues with this stupid "idiot." I know it's never going to go away. I'm doing my best to tell it, "thank you for sharing but I have more important things to do."

I cried it out on the phone with him, then let him go because I was really close to blaming him. And I sort of did, and that's something I have to clean up because it's not his fault that these thoughts take over. And I so wanted to blame him and tell him there's no point in talking anymore because this is always going to happen but my commitment to him is much more powerful than that because I said so.

So, I had to get up and blog because I'll be damned if I'm going to let this stupid, fucking "idiot" take over. I'm more powerful than it, damnit.

Anyway, thanks for listening.


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