Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 2

A picture of you and the person you've been closest with the longest.

Me and my dad, June 2007. The only one I have of him and I when I'm an adult. I have always been a daddy's girl. His opinion matters the most to me. When something good happens, when I need some support and a someone to help me get my head on straight, I call him.

He is the greatest man I have ever known. 


So, tomorrow, I'm all set!  Starting the Self-Expression and Leadership Program bright and early!

I'm working today from 2 to 10 so a full day at work, which always goes well and faster than I would think, most of the time.  Hope today is no exception.

Not doing the greatest with my diet but I have successfully avoided buying fast-food, so that's a plus.  It's about time I start avoiding it all together and I'll start today by taking my lunch to work with me.

Next on the agenda will be to start working out again and buying a bathroom scale so I can keep track of my weight.  I checked my checking account balance to find a charge that looked really familiar.  Turns out I do still have a gym membership and it's about time I start using it again.  I don't have time today, but my goal will be to get up early tomorrow before the first SELP classroom and workout.  I miss the feeling of going to the gym regularly, the habit of it.  Most importantly, I miss the days when, if I wasn't able to make it to the gym, my day was off.  Time to make it routine again.

Anywho, that's about all that's going on with me.  I think I'll start posting my 30 Day Picture Challenge that I started on FB here...

Here's the challenge...

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of ......your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.
Day 19 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture that confuses you.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you crave a lot.
Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

So, Day 1 - Post a picture of yourself with fifteen facts

1. I'm a HUGE Gator Fan. I bleed Orange and Blue. And because Tim Tebow is a Bronco QB, I'm a Broncos fan too. The day he leaves the team is the day I stop being a Bronco fan (most likely).
2. I have two dogs (kind of) and two cats.
3. I am eternally grateful and constantly inspired by my participation and assisting around various Landmark Education courses and the people I meet all the time.
4. I have THE hardest time doing homework, or anything that I HAVE to do, like laundry or cleaning.
5. I want to ride horses on a regular basis.
6. I'm obsessed (slightly exaggerated term) with photography and cameras. Capturing moments in time and how things naturally occur inspire me.
7. I am happily single and getting to know something about myself every day. I'm stronger than I realize and I don't give myself the credit very often.
8. Taking compliments and appreciation from other people is very hard for me to be with, but I'm learning.
9. I am totally lit up by providing something of benefit to other people.
10. I think I'm slightly compulsive when it comes to spending money, but I'm learning to control my money and not letting my money control me. (Dave Ramsey FTW!)
11. My dad is the greatest man I have ever known and I love him with all my heart and soul.
12. I'm learning that I do deserve good things in life. That's going to be an every day process.
13. I have a blog that I hardly ever use but I'm mustering the courage to actually use it for this great idea I have about transforming my body and exploring what it's like to go after my passions instead of letting fear stop me.
14. I prefer life sober, but I like drinking every now and then. I enjoy the flavor of vodka tonics and Irish Carbombs.
15. I LOVE BEARDS! And I would honestly rather marry a man that has at least the capability of growing a full-on beard.

Today is day 2 but I'll have to find the picture later when I get off of work.


Thursday, April 14, 2011


I'm awful at keeping up to date with this.  I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Blogger is not very interactive, like Twitter, FB and SG.

So, just a little update from November... I am no longer apprenticing at Dark Millennia Tattoo.  I left that place right before New Year's because it didn't matter that I was there and the guy that was teaching me was gone two weeks out of every month and I want someone that can actually teach me everything there is to know about piercing rather than trying to learn most of what I want to know on my own.  I am very much someone that needs to feel like it's a partnership.

So, I've been looking for a new apprenticeship half-assed but may pick that back up again more full-forced now that the semester is almost over.

I am having huge issues with studying and doing homework.  I've had this problem since the beginning of my school career (kindergarten) and I'm starting to think it has to be more than poor study habits.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about that and if I have to resort to medication, I might do it because there are too many things I want to accomplish to allow myself to get in my own way.  Maybe actually being inspired to do this blog regularly will be the kick in the ass I need to actually do it.  I'm doing well in one of my classes but not very well in the other and will drop here before it's too late.

You would thinking that paying-out-of-pocket would be enough motivation to do well, but it's not and I have to figure out why.  I know it's all in my head but it's the most frustrating thing, to know how easy it actually is and that I just can't seem to fucking do it.

The same goes with losing weight.  I don't know how much I weigh right now but I know I'm at my heaviest.  If I'm not, that would be a damn shock.

Although... going a little off topic, I think I might have an insight as to why things seem to be hard for me to do...

After last night at the completion of the Landmark Forum here in Denver this past weekend, I was talking to a guy I was assisting with around Advanced Course Registration about things that are important to me and things I want to create and generate around my finances and what I really want out of life (always the best conversations even if they're sometimes hard to handle at the time).  At the end of the night when we had already completed and everyone was getting ready to head out, he came up to me to accknowledge me for how I am with people.  It was hard to sit with because that's how it always has been for me when it comes to compliments and acknowledgement, but he had said something in particular to me that struck a chord... he said that I am considerate but I'm not very considerate to myself.

So so very true.  And more tears came with that realization that I'm not.

And on the way home, I realized that I've never thought that I deserved things... good things.  I brush of praise because I was "just doing my job" or "it was nothing." People compliment me for the way I look, the way I've dressed, or the things I contribute, and I have to change the subject quickly.  I need help, emotionally, physically or financially, and I don't think it's important enough to trouble people for my petty concerns.  I have to do things on my own because I don't want to have to be disappointed if someone else doesn't follow through or I fail and I let someone else down.  Group projects are a nightmare for me because other people's grades are depending on me when I already know I have the hardest time doing school work outside of school.  I don't deserve it and I have felt like I never have and never will.

I remember the exact day I made that decision.  My dad was leaving for Saudi Arabia.  I was about 3, maybe.  I was sitting behind the recliner in our living room (right upstairs) with my knees curled up to my face, sobbing because my dad was leaving (or already left, I can't remember) and no amount of begging or crying would get him to stay.  I wasn't worth staying for.

Fast forward to kindergarten.  I was 5.  My dad was home for good from Saudi Arabia but my parents were getting a divorce and my dad was moving out.  I was begging and pleading for him to stay.  I didn't want him to go anywhere, but he was leaving anyway.  I wasn't worth staying for.  I didn't deserve to have my dad around.  The first "abandonment," I made the decision.  The second was a confirmation.  At 5 years old, I decided for the rest of my life that I didn't deserve to have the things I wanted.

But I'm letting that go.  I DO deserve to have the things I want.  I deserve to succeed.  I deserve to be smart. I deserve to be pretty.  I deserve to be loved.  I deserve to have the job I want.  I deserve to be remembered.  I deserve attention.

This is going to be an on-going process.  I've had 22 years of practicing why I don't deserve things, so this I'm going to have to take one day at a time, but I'm worth it.

So, with that being said, I am taking back my life and my future and boldly going where I never thought I could have gone before.