My need for change and my need to move is at an all-time high. It's not that I'm feeling the need to leave something behind. In fact, the idea of leaving Colorado scares and saddens me but I feel like my time here is over. I feel like I've fulfilled my purpose and it's time to move on.
Last night, I hung out with Mario (my ex from 7 years ago and my first true love). It was really good to see him but sitting in his presence, I could see what my life could (or would) look like if I were to give in to my desire to be with him. It's not bad. In fact, it was rather beautiful in a simplistic way and it makes me so sad that I don't want that... and I could so easily just let go and be with him. It was hard to stay strong and walk away, but I did.
It wouldn't have been a bad life, it just wouldn't have been extraordinary. It would have been limited. I wouldn't be my complete and whole self. I would have to suppress certain things about myself in order for that relationship to work to its fullest potential. Sacrifice would be necessary. I want to be there for him and his daughter. I want to make a difference there... but I don't see how doing all of that would benefit me.
My fullest-expressed self is clawing to get out. Screaming and pleading for me to let go and give in to my fullest and greatest potential. It's uncomfortable and a unsettling because I will no longer recognize myself and my life.
This crossroads that I'm at is, in one direction, very familiar. Very safe and predictable. Like looking at a picture or watching a movie, I can see clearly what life would look like (or even just really closely resemble) if I were to stay here.
If I go, I have absolutely no clue what myself or my life would look like. The unknown is scary. I've faced the unknown before and I want to get better at it. I want to know myself as someone who faces the future head-on, never knowing what's going to happen, and, rather than having the urge to turn back and stay where I know things are good but not great, I'd rather know myself as someone who takes all of life's challenges and turns them in to opportunities to display what life can really be about... a life of adventure, thrill, exhilaration, pushing myself beyond the limits of what I thought I was capable of, and trusting God in all of it. Always feeling grateful to be alive.
So, on-ward I move. I prefer roads less traveled.