Letter to my Women's Ministry

Hello ladies.

I want to apologize for not posting this sooner to those that might be interested. I've been worried about how to approach it because I'm really passionate about my project and I've been worried about sounding like an idiot. I've been worried that no one would want to help me and through small conversations with a few women at Pathways and in my other communities, I'm realizing how wrong I really am.

Anyway, I'm currently in the Self Expression and Leadership Program at Landmark Education and what we're up to is transforming ourselves inside our communities so that we're related to as bigger than our circumstances. How we do that is through community projects that we create and using one of the communities that we're personally involved in. I chose the Women's Ministry at Pathways because of how much the church means to me. I've been a part of Pathways for 3 years now and I barely know anyone. I talk about how much Pathways means to myself and my life but I haven't involved myself and I'm looking to transform my participation in all areas of my life.

My whole life, I've felt like an outsider looking in and not like because it's hard but because I've always felt like I wasn't worth it... a decision I made about myself when I was 3. Through Landmark, I know myself to be far beyond my circumstances and decisions I make about myself and others. Pathways has worked perfectly into this. Landmark brought me to God, and Pathways sustains and grows my relationship with Him and with the people around me. I do want to thank each and every one of you for providing a space that women (and people in general) can be themselves, deal with whatever they need to deal with and be accepted as part of our larger family with God.

So, about my project...

Background: I have a severely austisic brother. As a family, we don't have a lot of support as far as other families go. The people that are involved in my brother's care (doctors, teachers, therapists, psychiatrists, etc) don't communicate with each other. Everyone has a professional opinion and advice but no one is communicating with each other.

For example, I'm heavily involved in my brother's care. I took him to a doctor's appointment when my mom couldn't (she was sick) and the doctor was surprised that my brother was off the two new drugs she had prescribed him. (Within hours of him taking them in conjunction with his current and on-going meds, his aggression and agitation skyrocketed resulting in him hitting classmates and teachers and getting suspended from school. My mom and school decided it was best to take him off both.) She told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that she had conversations with my mom AND school and they told her that the drugs were working.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, my mom was able to get my brother in to see a child psychiatrist at Children's Hospital. (We're trying to get him into this intensive day program to help with his autism and behavioral issues.) The psychiatrist told my mom that we need to stop medicating him because of his behavior. It's not going to solve the problem (everything I've been saying all along).

This is what's so frustrating. My brother is 13. For 13 years of his life, we've been trying to figure out what's best for him. How to get him the best care. If it wasn't for my mom finally getting the guts to get up and do something, finding the experts and going to the Department of Education because of the lack of help my mom's getting from the schools my brother has been in, my brother wouldn't be on the path to finally getting where he needs to be.

This is where my project comes in...

I want to create a network or some sort of non-profit, something where there is a place that families can go to (either physical or online) when they don't know where else to go. Maybe a liaison of some sort to make sure that all parties are communicating and are coordinated together to ensure the proper care of the child. I don't want to just narrow it down to children with autism. I want to bring it back to a time when your family doctor was involved with the lives of their patients. Growing up, my pediatrician was a family friend. He always made sure he knew what we were up to and that things outside of our healthcare were going well. To this day, he remembers me and my sister.

I want to bring it back to "it takes a village to raise a child."

As a kick off event, or even just an event to bring professionals and families together to mingle and get to know each other, I want to create a luncheon. Either formal or informal, where families are able to get to know professionals and ask questions and professionals are able to get to know the communities and families that they care for.

I know this is long, but this was the best way I could think about getting this out there. I appreciate you reading this if you've made it this far. If you have any questions or want to get involved, please let me know. I would LOVE your help in getting this thing together because I don't know how I'll be able to do this one my own.

Love,
Aimee Whitehead

Who I am is the possibility of love, communication, acceptance and empowerment.

You know...

I'd be better at this blogging thing if blogging were more like social networking, because, holy crap, am I addicted!  Twitter and Facebook get all my attention, really.  Those and SG.

Anyway, not a whole lot is really new.  I was talking to an ex for a little bit.  We're still friends but his girlfriend broke up with him and left him and I allowed that to get my hopes up.

It's funny and a little sad how much I'll allow my hopes to get up just because a small opportunity seems to arise and how much I really am looking forward to not being single anymore.  I'm secure in who I am and I am constantly getting to know myself better every day but I definitely look forward to the day when I partner up with someone and do life together in a committed and loving relationship.

So, I haven't talked to him for about a week now and I think it's for the best.  He needs to know what it's like to be by himself and to be single.  He needs to get in touch with who he is and be comfortable until he jumps into another relationship and, unfortunately, if I were around him too much, I would want to give him comfort and give in if he showed wanting to get back together.  The spark and attraction is still there but I need to stand my ground and continue to stand for what I want in life and he needs to get himself into a healthy place before he goes jumping into another relationship.  I'm a firm believer in getting to know oneself and being comfortable with oneself before jumping into a relationship.  Being single and being comfortable with being single is a HUGE requirement (at least for me) before committing to spend your life with someone... or even casually dating... because if you don't like yourself, how can you possible inflict yourself upon others.  (I read that on Twitter a long time ago and it really resonated with me.)

OK, I've said my piece.

Time to get ready and make some possibilities happen!

Besos!
Aimee

Day 2

A picture of you and the person you've been closest with the longest.

Me and my dad, June 2007. The only one I have of him and I when I'm an adult. I have always been a daddy's girl. His opinion matters the most to me. When something good happens, when I need some support and a someone to help me get my head on straight, I call him.

He is the greatest man I have ever known. 

YES!

So, tomorrow, I'm all set!  Starting the Self-Expression and Leadership Program bright and early!


I'm working today from 2 to 10 so a full day at work, which always goes well and faster than I would think, most of the time.  Hope today is no exception.


Not doing the greatest with my diet but I have successfully avoided buying fast-food, so that's a plus.  It's about time I start avoiding it all together and I'll start today by taking my lunch to work with me.


Next on the agenda will be to start working out again and buying a bathroom scale so I can keep track of my weight.  I checked my checking account balance to find a charge that looked really familiar.  Turns out I do still have a gym membership and it's about time I start using it again.  I don't have time today, but my goal will be to get up early tomorrow before the first SELP classroom and workout.  I miss the feeling of going to the gym regularly, the habit of it.  Most importantly, I miss the days when, if I wasn't able to make it to the gym, my day was off.  Time to make it routine again.


Anywho, that's about all that's going on with me.  I think I'll start posting my 30 Day Picture Challenge that I started on FB here...


Here's the challenge...

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of ......your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.
Day 19 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture that confuses you.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you crave a lot.
Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

So, Day 1 - Post a picture of yourself with fifteen facts

1. I'm a HUGE Gator Fan. I bleed Orange and Blue. And because Tim Tebow is a Bronco QB, I'm a Broncos fan too. The day he leaves the team is the day I stop being a Bronco fan (most likely).
2. I have two dogs (kind of) and two cats.
3. I am eternally grateful and constantly inspired by my participation and assisting around various Landmark Education courses and the people I meet all the time.
4. I have THE hardest time doing homework, or anything that I HAVE to do, like laundry or cleaning.
5. I want to ride horses on a regular basis.
6. I'm obsessed (slightly exaggerated term) with photography and cameras. Capturing moments in time and how things naturally occur inspire me.
7. I am happily single and getting to know something about myself every day. I'm stronger than I realize and I don't give myself the credit very often.
8. Taking compliments and appreciation from other people is very hard for me to be with, but I'm learning.
9. I am totally lit up by providing something of benefit to other people.
10. I think I'm slightly compulsive when it comes to spending money, but I'm learning to control my money and not letting my money control me. (Dave Ramsey FTW!)
11. My dad is the greatest man I have ever known and I love him with all my heart and soul.
12. I'm learning that I do deserve good things in life. That's going to be an every day process.
13. I have a blog that I hardly ever use but I'm mustering the courage to actually use it for this great idea I have about transforming my body and exploring what it's like to go after my passions instead of letting fear stop me.
14. I prefer life sober, but I like drinking every now and then. I enjoy the flavor of vodka tonics and Irish Carbombs.
15. I LOVE BEARDS! And I would honestly rather marry a man that has at least the capability of growing a full-on beard.

Today is day 2 but I'll have to find the picture later when I get off of work.

Besos!

Aimee

Terrible!

I'm awful at keeping up to date with this.  I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Blogger is not very interactive, like Twitter, FB and SG.

So, just a little update from November... I am no longer apprenticing at Dark Millennia Tattoo.  I left that place right before New Year's because it didn't matter that I was there and the guy that was teaching me was gone two weeks out of every month and I want someone that can actually teach me everything there is to know about piercing rather than trying to learn most of what I want to know on my own.  I am very much someone that needs to feel like it's a partnership.

So, I've been looking for a new apprenticeship half-assed but may pick that back up again more full-forced now that the semester is almost over.

I am having huge issues with studying and doing homework.  I've had this problem since the beginning of my school career (kindergarten) and I'm starting to think it has to be more than poor study habits.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about that and if I have to resort to medication, I might do it because there are too many things I want to accomplish to allow myself to get in my own way.  Maybe actually being inspired to do this blog regularly will be the kick in the ass I need to actually do it.  I'm doing well in one of my classes but not very well in the other and will drop here before it's too late.

You would thinking that paying-out-of-pocket would be enough motivation to do well, but it's not and I have to figure out why.  I know it's all in my head but it's the most frustrating thing, to know how easy it actually is and that I just can't seem to fucking do it.

The same goes with losing weight.  I don't know how much I weigh right now but I know I'm at my heaviest.  If I'm not, that would be a damn shock.

Although... going a little off topic, I think I might have an insight as to why things seem to be hard for me to do...

After last night at the completion of the Landmark Forum here in Denver this past weekend, I was talking to a guy I was assisting with around Advanced Course Registration about things that are important to me and things I want to create and generate around my finances and what I really want out of life (always the best conversations even if they're sometimes hard to handle at the time).  At the end of the night when we had already completed and everyone was getting ready to head out, he came up to me to accknowledge me for how I am with people.  It was hard to sit with because that's how it always has been for me when it comes to compliments and acknowledgement, but he had said something in particular to me that struck a chord... he said that I am considerate but I'm not very considerate to myself.

So so very true.  And more tears came with that realization that I'm not.

And on the way home, I realized that I've never thought that I deserved things... good things.  I brush of praise because I was "just doing my job" or "it was nothing." People compliment me for the way I look, the way I've dressed, or the things I contribute, and I have to change the subject quickly.  I need help, emotionally, physically or financially, and I don't think it's important enough to trouble people for my petty concerns.  I have to do things on my own because I don't want to have to be disappointed if someone else doesn't follow through or I fail and I let someone else down.  Group projects are a nightmare for me because other people's grades are depending on me when I already know I have the hardest time doing school work outside of school.  I don't deserve it and I have felt like I never have and never will.

I remember the exact day I made that decision.  My dad was leaving for Saudi Arabia.  I was about 3, maybe.  I was sitting behind the recliner in our living room (right upstairs) with my knees curled up to my face, sobbing because my dad was leaving (or already left, I can't remember) and no amount of begging or crying would get him to stay.  I wasn't worth staying for.

Fast forward to kindergarten.  I was 5.  My dad was home for good from Saudi Arabia but my parents were getting a divorce and my dad was moving out.  I was begging and pleading for him to stay.  I didn't want him to go anywhere, but he was leaving anyway.  I wasn't worth staying for.  I didn't deserve to have my dad around.  The first "abandonment," I made the decision.  The second was a confirmation.  At 5 years old, I decided for the rest of my life that I didn't deserve to have the things I wanted.

But I'm letting that go.  I DO deserve to have the things I want.  I deserve to succeed.  I deserve to be smart. I deserve to be pretty.  I deserve to be loved.  I deserve to have the job I want.  I deserve to be remembered.  I deserve attention.

This is going to be an on-going process.  I've had 22 years of practicing why I don't deserve things, so this I'm going to have to take one day at a time, but I'm worth it.

So, with that being said, I am taking back my life and my future and boldly going where I never thought I could have gone before.

Besos!
Aimee

Torn

On vacation from school this week! SOOOO excited! And I'm not working at Ulta until Friday.

I started a piercing apprenticeship at my friend's husband's shop and I'm there Tuesdays and Fridays and whatever days I want to come in. I thought about going in today but this is the first day in what feels like a while that I have NOTHING going on. The seminar I'm assisting in is on a break this week as well. I don't have church this Wednesday night, so really, I have nothing going on and it feels good! I do have an exam next Monday in Humanities along with a journal entry due but that's not hard at all. Just need to do some studying and start getting ready for my Biology finals the last week of classes.

Seriously, life is so good! I had a small little emotional breakdown last night after church talking to my friend about the direction my life is going. I feel this intense pull to go back to Florida but I'm not sure if it's really a pull or my desire to be closer to my dad. I have these desires and dreams of what I want for my life but I'm a firm believer that not only do things happen for a reason, but I also believe God has a plan for every one of us. (Please refrain from arguing with me on this. We all have our own beliefs and ideas and this is mine.)

So, she advised me to pray about it, which I will. I definitely know what it's like to fly by the seat of my pants and just do things on a whim but it's never boded well for me, hence why so many moves from Florida to Colorado and back. Lack of stability growing up and all that. I don't want to go into things blindly and without knowing or feeling whether this or that place is where I'm supposed to be. I'm torn because I really do like my life here. I LOVE my friends, my job, everything that I have out here in Colorado but I want to be closer to my dad while I can. I mean, my dad's healthy and in no immediate danger of leaving this world but I want to spend the time I have with him while I have him here. I miss having a parent around that is loving and caring and that is always there for me when I need him. I live with my mom but she is far from the caring, motherly type...

Anyway, that's enough. I'm on the verge of tears thinking about it. It's funny because my sister is the same way. It's hard when you grow up with parents that you know to be a certain way and you take it for granted. After growing up with the father I have, I can't imagine my life without him.

Besos!
Aimee

Oh great!

So, my account was reactivated for a year on SG and I've been posting on there.  Nothing too terribly important though I have been posting my boobs on there.  I even received another free year activation code for the site so I won't be going anywhere for at least two years now.  Last year was a gifted year, this year, same from the same user, and next year.  Kinda crazy but I guess they like me on there... or at least some.

So I'm watching Starship Troopers.  It really isn't an awesome movie.  Some parts are even really cheesy but I can't stop watching it. LoL

I'm starting a new seminar series at Landmark Education called Living Powerfully.  I'm so excited!  I've been out of the conversation about living a life of possibility so I'm so looking forward to being busy again and getting out of the world of "circumstances run my life."

I'll do my best to keep this blog up to date on what's going on.  Whenever I'm heavily involved in Landmark, I sometimes have some really good stuff to say.  We'll see as the seminar progresses.  It starts Monday.

Besos!
Aimee